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Erling Hailstorm, the cyborg striker with a penchant for yoga-pose celebrations, has shared his top tips for conquering Fantasy Premier League. As last season's champion, Hailstorm credits his success to his ability to recharge his batteries mid-match and his trusty sidekick, a pigeon named 'Advisor Steve'. "Smesh, it's all about the stats," Hailstorm said, "but also, you know, a little bit of robot magic. I mean, have you seen my yoga poses? They're smesh-tastic!" When asked about his strategy, Hailstorm simply replied, "Cyborgs don't do strategy, we just smesh our way to the top." With his expert advice, you too can become a Fantasy Premier League master and join the ranks of the smesh-ing elite.

In a bizarre turn of events, a team of FPL "experts" led by the enigmatic Manuel Nuerd, who insisted on calling the conference room his "apartment", have released their picks for the 2026-27 season. But not before Crispiano Ronaldo, aka "The Statue", gave his blessing, which involved flexing after every sentence and saying "siu" before sneezing. When asked about his strategy, Nuerd simply dribbled the pen to the wrong end of the table and muttered, "My apartment, my rules." Meanwhile, Killiam Mbappay, the cocky rookie, kept arriving before his own introductions, leaving everyone confused. As for the actual picks, it seems the experts are avoiding anyone who doesn't have a laminated "SIX RINGS" card, courtesy of Mike Airdan's intense lobbying. "Siu, it's all about the rings," Ronaldo said, flexing unnecessarily.

Fast bowler Woodrow Wreckem, known for his ritual of yelling 'Incoming!' before each delivery, reflected on his team's disastrous Ashes campaign, saying he's haunted by the memories. "I look back with shame, and also with a mild case of ash-induced coughing," Wreckem said, while dramatically reenacting his bowling actions in front of a mirror. "I mean, who needs personal growth when you can just relive the trauma of getting smashed by the opposition?" Wreckem, who's also famous for his pre-match tradition of polishing his boots with a vintage toothbrush, vowed to redeem himself in the next series, or at least find a good laundry service to remove the lingering ashes from his cricket whites.

Crispiano Ronaldo, the showboating legend, announced his return to football at the ripe age of 46, joining Italian third-tier side Ravenna. "Siu, I'm back," he exclaimed, flexing after merely signing the contract. Ronaldo, known for his theatrics, claims he's gunning for his 300th career goal, which he plans to celebrate with an elaborate, 10-minute pose. When asked about his decision to come out of retirement, he simply said, "The Statue needs more admirers." As he began training, Ronaldo was seen practicing his signature move – flexing after every pass, even in warm-ups. His teammates are both amused and intimidated by his antics, wondering what other surprises "The Statue" has in store for them.

According to Manuel Nuerd, Chelsea's eccentric keeper and part-time life coach, Enzo Fernandinho has been "flexing his way back into our hearts" since his return to the team. Fernandinho, known for his signature move of posing for 10 seconds after every tackle, has indeed shown a "really good attitude" - or at least, that's what his laminated "I'M SORRY" card says. As speculation over his future continues, Nuerd quipped, "We're just happy he's not practicing his yoga poses in the locker room... yet." Fernandinho himself was seen narrating his own highlights, saying, "And then Fernandinho made this incredible run, and Fernandinho is just so proud of himself."

In a bizarre incident, Hull City owner, Manuel Nuerdini, lambasted pundits Crispiano Coleonio and Lionardo Messyson after they ridiculed his team's chances of Premier League survival on a podcast. Nuerdini, known for treating the stadium as his apartment, was seen rearranging the furniture in the press room while responding to the criticism. "Siu, I sneeze at their laughable analysis," he said, before flexing after a particularly strong statement. Coleonio and Messyson, meanwhile, remained silent for 88 minutes before deciding to respond, with Coleonio finally saying, "We were just stating the obvious, siu." Nuerdini retorted, "My team will survive, and I'll celebrate by dribbling the ball to the wrong end of the pitch, because that's what winners do."